Tuesday, February 5, 2013

being heard.


Mama. Dada. Baba. Caca.

That was our lunchtime conversation today, at least on your side. As usual, I filled in all the details in between, asking lots of questions and exclaiming over your silly faces as you worked to get each word out.

Mama. Dada. Baba. Caca.

That's the extent of your 20-month-old vocabulary, my darling girl, if you leave out your strange array of animal noises and long, babbly strings of nonsense all starting with the letter D. Four words to describe the world around you. It's amazing to me how well you are able to communicate with us through these 8 little syllables - how you categorize everything in the world under these four headings. (Man in the grocery store checkout? Dada. Talking about your grandma? Caca, because she has to drive in one to get here. Picture of three cows? Mama, Dada, Baba.) Your wild gesturing, long list of baby signs (many invented by you), and ability to find pictures in your books to describe what your voice cannot helps us to know just what you mean, most of the time. The way you wiggle back and forth when we say "I love you" because it's the only way you know how to say "I love you, too."

But it hurts my heart sometimes, knowing that you have so much locked up there in your little brain that you can't quite get out. I see how quick you are to notice things, because you're such a good little observer, and how easily you make connections to what you already know. How much I dread when you drag out the Bird Songs book because I know how angry you get when you point at a picture of a Roseate Spoonbill or a Pine Grosbeak or a Ruffed Grouse and the bird call that plays on the tiny little speaker isn't for the bird you've chosen. How determined you were to find an old pacifier with a picture of a fairy on it because the magic wand we made together reminded you of her. How you pick up every detail of my longwinded directions about cleaning up for lunch and manage to follow them in your sweet little way. How much I want to cry when you stand next to other children and wave and wave at them with such earnest excitement, hoping they will see you and respond, because you don't know how to say hello.

Mama. Dada. Baba. Caca.

And I have teethmarks in my tongue for all the times I've had to bite it when well-meaning friends and strangers give us advice about you: "Lots of kids talk late, there's nothing to worry about." "You need to speak more slowly and enunciate more so she understands you better - then she'd be able to talk just fine." "You probably just don't understand what she's telling you yet - you really have to listen more carefully to understand toddler-speak." "Don't you think she's too young for speech therapy? That therapist is probably overeager for clients."

And you are young. And there's still time. And maybe you will outgrow it. But then again, maybe you won't. And we have tried so many things to help you. And what's effortless for lots of kids just isn't for you, and we just don't know why yet.

Mama. Dada. Baba. Caca.

My biggest worry? That you'll give up. That trying to communicate will become so frustrating to you that you'll decide it's just easier to let other people do the talking. That you'll retreat inside so we stop saying "Use your words" and "Say it with your mouth, please" and "You say. You say."

Because what I want, more than anything, is for you to know that you are heard.

Linking up with Just Write.




19 comments:

  1. Love this post! Our boys have developed speech so differently I have no idea what normal is anymore. All your worrying means you're doing it right: you won't let her voice go unheard, no matter what the outcome.

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    1. It is so hard to know what's normal EVER in this crazy world called parenthood. In this case, we're going with the recommendation of our pediatrician to have our little bug tested and, subsequently, the determination that she's "speaking" at the 9-month level. We'll see how it all turns out - for now, I'm learning a whole lot!

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  2. Wow. I just got shivers. This is such a great post, and Lorelei is so lucky to have such a caring mom. That photo is pretty precious, too.

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  3. Courtney, this is written so beautifully. Unfortunately I don't have much to say aside from the "She'll catch up when she's older" remarks that I know do not offer much comfort. All I can say is that I am here for you if you need anything, I can completely understand the frustration with knowing that she is trying to communicate but having such difficulty. She is such a bright, funny, sweet girl and I am so happy to know your family. You are doing so much right which automatically makes her one of the luckiest little girls because she has you as a mother.

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    1. Thanks, Suzi. :) I'm not worried except for the part where she gets so frustrated when she can't say what she wants to - which is happening more and more every day. But your friendship means the world to both of us - really!

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  4. Hon, this is a beautiful post! It's hard not to worry about your baby keeping up with all the other kids out there. But if I have learned anything at all in the (short) 3 yrs I have been a mom, it's that EVERY kid does everything in their own time. And the more you push, or force, the more stressed out you become, and the more stressed out the child becomes. She is an amazing little girl, and she will develop her amazing language skills all in due time :-)
    ♥ Kyna

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  5. This brought tears to my eyes. Courtney. It's so clear that you know your sweet girl inside and out, and the depth of your love for her is amazing. She is so fortunate to have you as a cheerleader through all of life's challenges. Any way that you choose to support her as she develops in this area will be the right way, because you're mama, and you know her best. Hugs to you.

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  6. I loved this post. I don't have any advice, except to say that she'll speak beautifully in her own time. Hang in there, Mama!

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  7. thank you for sharing this. what love you have for that little one!

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  8. Thank you for sharing. It brought a smile to my face because I remember when each of my children were at a point that they seemed ready to burst with words but didn't know how to get them out. And it brought a sigh to my heart because I know about the momma worry. She has you and your love and she will get those words.

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  9. Just echoing what others have already said. You are such a loving and insightful Mama and L is clearly intelligent and beautiful. I have had many of the same thoughts internally about our Darwin though I haven't vocalized them much even still. He makes many of the same sounds, 2 syllable words, pointing and grunting for the rest. Darwin was just standing next to his friend yesterday furiously rubbing his chest, signing "please," hoping his friend would notice and share the toy he was playing with.

    I hope you find the support you need (for both yourself and for L).

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  10. What a lucky little one to have a Mama & Papa who are so in tune with the way she communicates! Sounds like you are doing so well at helping her get her thoughts across just by being attentive and prepared to listen. As for worrying, I'm with you on that front. Us anxious types just wouldn't be ourselves if we weren't worrying about something ;)

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  11. i wouldn't have even known that 20 months was 'late'. either way, this ost is so lovely and filled with love.

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  12. Oh, sweet girl. Just knowing that she's heard is a big gift to her, sowing seeds of trust and future communication.

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  13. Oh Courtney! The most important thing: she knows she's loved and she knows how to let you know she loves you too.

    She'll get there someday, and when she does I'm sure she'll be able to tell you how much she appreciates all the love and support you've given her. She's so lucky to have such amazingly eloquent parents - among other things, of course!

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  14. You're the mama, and you know what's best for her. It's weird how sometimes intentionally supportive comments are the opposite, though.

    My nephew started speech therapy around his 3rd birthday, and probably should have started earlier, but alas. He has come so far in 6 months.

    I'll be thinking of you guys!

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  15. This is so sweet and you are SUCH a good mommy!!! Your descriptions are perfect. I remember that age. I wish I would have read this 3 weeks ago before my son turned 3. I think he has difficult saying sounds of some letters, which may have resulted from his multiple ear infections as a baby. His vocabulary is better than mine, unfortunately some people don't understand it.

    I've missed reading your blog and always love it when I have the time! :-)
    xoxo

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  16. I can not believe that I've missed this, Courtney. Any kind of delay is so scary. It's an isolating place to be. But you are already doing the right thing by reaching out, I so hated putting any information about Avi "out there". You are the tops. This post? Amazing. You are such an amazing mother and your love for Lorelei brought tears to my eyes. She's so lucky to have you.

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  17. I can not believe that I've missed this, Courtney. Any kind of delay is so scary. It's an isolating place to be. But you are already doing the right thing by reaching out, I so hated putting any information about Avi "out there". You are the tops. This post? Amazing. You are such an amazing mother and your love for Lorelei brought tears to my eyes. She's so lucky to have you.

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