Once we decided that we felt two kids was the right number for us, the next big question we had to face was when. There are so many different schools of thought out there and since I am an inveterate pro/con list maker this proved to be a stumbling block for me/us for a while. Here's how we figured things out:
The first several months of Lorelei's infancy were extremely trying for us physically and emotionally. I know that there are other parents out there who put off - sometimes permanently - having another child because they are still recovering from the difficulty of the first. We decided we had two options: wait until Lorelei was pretty self-sufficient (relatively speaking) until we dealt with babyhood again to try to make it easier on ourselves, or go with the rip-the-bandaid-off method of getting two infancies out of the way sooner rather than later. That would mean a gap of 4-5 years between pregnancies or, based on the timing of our decision-making, getting pregnant again immediately.
Courtney and Lorelei, about two weeks old
On the one hand, waiting a while seemed nice. It would give us time to really enjoy Lorelei's early years, Jason could get through the tenure process at his university so we could breathe a little easier, and it would give us time to settle into our decision to have another child in the first place. Plus, I was a little scared off by the looks on the faces of moms I saw in the grocery store and at library story time who were attempting to wrangle two children under the age of two or three.
On the other hand, we knew that research seems to indicate children who are two or three years apart have a stronger chance of developing a childhood friendship (though siblings with a bigger age gap seem to be just as likely to be friends as adults). Even though things are much easier with Lorelei now than they were in the first few months, we are still "in the trenches" and the thought of sleepless nights again doesn't seem as bad as it might if we were a few years removed from them. Both Jason and I are close in age to our siblings (20 months for him, almost exactly two years for me), and we both liked that growing up.
But it took an offhand comment from someone to make us realize what our decision had to be. In the middle of a conversation about having more than one child, a woman I know said, "If you're planning to go back to work after your children go off to school, you'll be a stay-at-home mom for a pretty long time if you don't space them close together." Lightbulb moment. In that instant, I realized that, while I'm certainly glad to be at home for now, SAHM-hood is not my ultimate destiny, and I needed to keep that as a crucial factor in our decision-making. I don't know why it had never occurred to me before, but both Jason and I agreed that we needed to get the ball rolling for my own sanity - even if it meant temporary insanity with having two kiddos in diapers.
Of course, it's not always possible to control how you space out your children, and we're lucky that both times we tried to get pregnant we were successful relatively quickly. Two to two-and-a-half years apart felt right to us, and I'm looking forward to sharing some of our experiences raising two kids relatively close in age with you. But I also know that, just like with the decision whether or not to have more than one (or any at all!), it's totally a personal decision based on your own lifestyle and preferences. If you're in the middle of making the decision, don't forget to try that visualization technique I mentioned in my other post on this topic; it's been a huge help to us in finally stepping away from the pro/con lists!
I'd love to hear about your own decisions about sibling spacing - whether it's your own siblings, your kids, or your thought process as you plan for the future!
That is my same exact situation. I'm a SAHM and would like to be for our second child as well. If we space them.out too long than I might go back to work now and then have.to quit my job in a few years when we decide to have the second d one. Our son will be 18 months in a few weeks, and we will probably start trying for number 2 this summer.good luck ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you shared Courtney. Our situation is different because we plan to adopt number two. Our perspective is skewed by the time frames in that process and potential age of the adopted child. Some life stuff (jobs and relocation especially) is keeping us from starting on that process immediately but as soon as we settle down I think we'll start right away. If it takes us 2ish years to adopt and we end up with a toddler the hope is Darwin and his sibling will still be similarly spaced as your L and her new little coming along :)
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of close siblings, as my old sister is 7 years older than I am and my younger brother is 4 years younger than I am. I was always jealous of my friends who had siblings were close enough in age to have the same friends or go to school together. I will say we were definitely NOT friends growing up. We fought and fought. I used to attribute it more to the odd number. There's always 2 against 1. The dynamics would shift but it always remained 2 against 1. My dad (who is an only child and could only dream of having siblings) would say to my mother "why do they fight so much?" and my mom who is also one of 3 children would say "it's what siblings do". It's interesting to read that siblings are just as likely to be friends as adults because I feel like that is exactly what happened. Once we all were adult enough to know how to treat each other, we became friends. It's great, but it also would have been nice if we could have been friendly as children as well.
ReplyDeleteRobyn, my mom said the same thing about having three kids - she was the middle child in a family of three and said she felt there was always 2 vs 1. I didn't realize the age gap between you and your siblings - you definitely seem close now!
DeleteI have 2 kids, 22 months apart in age and it is great.....now ( they are 7 and 9). Until the second one was old enough to really play with older kid was hard ....that happened @ age 2 & 4 . Plus all the diapers! My son (the first born) did not want to use potty until he was 4! I would not recommend closer in age due to increase sibling competiveness. Do not wait 4 years apart between kids cause that gives the older child a "only child" complex which is really hard to get the socially involved the kids their own age. I teach preschool and can easy name kids by by order. The ones with no siblings act like mini adults and have a hard time making friends.
ReplyDeleteI have 2 kids, 22 months apart in age and it is great.....now ( they are 7 and 9). Until the second one was old enough to really play with older kid was hard ....that happened @ age 2 & 4 . Plus all the diapers! My son (the first born) did not want to use potty until he was 4! I would not recommend closer in age due to increase sibling competiveness. Do not wait 4 years apart between kids cause that gives the older child a "only child" complex which is really hard to get the socially involved the kids their own age. I teach preschool and can easy name kids by by order. The ones with no siblings act like mini adults and have a hard time making friends.
ReplyDeleteInteresting perspective - thanks for sharing! So with you on the diapers - blargh. There's actually lots of new evidence about our previous thoughts regarding "only" children being a myth, and I know several parents with a large gap between their children who are really happy with their decision. It's definitely not for us, but it seems to work well for some! (I'm a teacher, too, and feel like I learned a ton about kids and families from being in the trenches myself!)
DeleteI have three younger siblings, and my mom had the four of us every other year. We are super close, we're all 18-22 months apart, and we loved playing together as kids. : )
ReplyDeleteThat being said, one of my favorite things to tell people when they ask if we are going to have another is "If God wanted me to have two kids he would have given me the easy one first." But someone recently told me that their first baby was so hard it took her 7 years to want another one. And now they have four!
P.S. I hope your morning sickness goes away soon. That's no fun!
Stephanie - SO funny about your response to overly inquisitive people! It's perfect. :)
DeleteYour thought process is almost exactly ours. I was pretty sure that I wanted to space my children around 2.5 years apart, if possible, because that's the gap between my older sister and me and we've always had a wonderful relationship (despite plenty of brief arguments growing up). I also wanted to move on from the intense caring work all at once, rather than shift out, and then back into that phase of life later on. The career thing was what sealed the deal for me, too, though. I just did not want to be out of the work force for ten years or more. I'm so grateful to have these years at home, and yet I know how hard it could be to transition back into my career after a decade at home.
ReplyDeleteI know we have talked about this, but I vividly remember asking R when J was 16 months old (just a few months after she FINALLY started sleeping all night and our move to London) if we were ready to have another because 2 years apart is what we initially had thought. We both said not quite yet due to our current life changes (selfishly regarding sleeping and a little less selfishly regarding getting settled into a new rhythm abroad) and waited a few more months to re-evaluate. J and the little baby boy will be almost exactly 3 years apart, we were hoping for a little less spacing...but like you said, there are good things about both, right? Miss you xoxo
ReplyDeleteI had thought we would space our children 3 years apart, so we could avoid having two in diapers. Not too close, not too far apart. Then we were moved overseas for a three year tour when our first was 6 months old. By the time he was a very pleasant, sleeping toddler, we had convinced ourselves that having another one in the middle of the assignment would make moving easier. Plus, it would be less time out of the workforce for me.
ReplyDeleteBy the time we hit the 18 month sleep regression, it was too late to change our minds!
Our sons are 27 months apart. These early days are a crazy blur. I feel like a pinball that's launched at 5am every day, bouncing back and forth between each child's needs, the day's chores and whatever else we can squeeze in. This time is going to FLY. After the first rocky weeks of adjustment, my first son is incredibly sweet in how he interacts with his baby brother. I look forward to seeing them play and grow together!