thoughts from an almost 4 year old.

"Mommy, when I have a wedding, I want just one ring, not two like you. My dress will be red. And I'm gonna marry Phoebe."

"Well, you can't marry Phoebe because she's your sister."

"Then I'll marry you, Mommy!"

"You can't - I'm already married, and I'm your mommy!"

"Then I'll marry Daddy."

"You can't - he's married to me, and he's your daddy!"

[throws up hands in despair]

"Well then who CAN I marry?!"

(future brides)

adventures in motherhood: imperfect, lucky.

This is my typical day.

It's not totally in focus, it's not carefully framed or edited in any way. There is clutter along the edges and details I wish you couldn't see. It's also a snatched moment of joy and love, and I feel lucky to be able to say it's my life.

A dear friend of mine has been struggling lately with adjusting to life at home with her sweet little baby. I remember her telling me, when I was pregnant with Phoebe, that she dreamed of quitting her job and staying home with a baby of her own, making art in her studio all day while her darling daughter played happily beside her. I loved her hopefulness and her vision and I didn't want to tell her that it wouldn't ever be that way - because if there's one thing I have learned about motherhood, it's that everyone does it differently and there's no way to predict what it will look like for anyone - but I knew that, for me at least, that sweet dream was never going to be reality.

Being a mother to a preschooler and a toddler isn't everything I ever dreamed of, but that's in part because I never really knew what to dream it would be like. Every day I write my job description anew. And thinking of this as my full-time job - okay, one I don't get paid for, but my job nonetheless - makes it feel different, somehow. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom. I quit my day job to make this my day job. I "do what I love" - or at least I spend my day with what I love most in the world - and how many people get to say that?

I'm not the mom I pictured I might be. I don't have an immaculate house even though I thought I'd have one simply by being home all day (wouldn't that be nice - cleaning that is accomplished by being present near cleaning supplies? Sign me up for that direct-sales home party guest list!). I haven't started the graduate school courses I figured I'd be done with ages ago. I don't play violin and piano with an adoring audience sitting and listening to my practice sessions. My almost four-year-old can't write her letters yet and doesn't know how to bake a cake by herself, despite what all those little kids in France are supposedly able to do by now. No one is putting me on any magazine cover or interviewing me on any talk show or even featuring me in a blog or IG post. I'm not amazing at this in the way I pictured or hoped or dreamed I might be, back when I didn't really know what motherhood meant.

But I'm raising these two girls, and they love each other. Real love - best friend love, that is such a privilege to watch blossom and grow. We play pretend all day long. We read stories and go on hikes and make messes that we sometimes clean up. I have time to myself sometimes, now that I'm out of the infancy trenches, to make gifts for friends and go to book club meetings and sing in a choir and play board games with my husband late at night over big bowls of popcorn. It's really hard when I have days where I don't live up to my own expectations and I'm not the mom I want to be, and I admit to feeling pangs of jealousy when I see the amazing things my former colleagues accomplish. But this is what I'm able to accomplish right now. Actually, take away that "but." This is what I'm able to accomplish now. It's a quiet, cluttered, imperfect life, and I'm lucky that it's mine.

my mom.

This is my mom.

I've posted about her before because she's a talented and creative Etsy shop owner who helped me through my first big craft fair. I wouldn't have survived Lorelei's babyhood without her daily (hourly?) phone calls, long visits where she cooked whatever I wanted and cleaned my house without being asked, and hundreds of supportive emails. I'm hanging in there as a new mom of two because she's done more of the same this time around. I am only now beginning to appreciate all that she did for us growing up that made my childhood so happy and fostered an incredibly close relationship between my brother and I - and continues to do for my two girls, even from afar.

Right before Phoebe was born, my mom was diagnosed with a type of endometrial cancer. After struggling for years with infertility in her 20s, she found out she had endometriosis and was lucky to have successful treatment that enabled her to get pregnant - with me! But endometriosis never goes away, and a very unfortunate few wind up getting cancer from all the crazy growth that keeps happening as a result. My mom is one of those. Her surgery one week after Phoebe's birth went well - things are looking good, overall - but she still has to go through 6 rounds of chemotherapy, which start Friday.

I wish more than anything right now that we lived in the same town so I could be there for those marathon chemo sessions and to help her the way she helped me through my bout with cancer and through everything else over the years. Instead, I'll be sending care packages through the mail and prayers through the ether. If you're the praying type, or the "sending good vibes" type, that would be wonderful, too.

top five: things new moms really want

Anyone who has tried to create a registry at Babies R Us knows that store is a totally terrifying place. When I was pregnant with Lorelei and Jason and I decided to register there, we had to plan an exit strategy for when his eyes started to pop out of his head. (I think it took about 50 minutes - luckily, I had made a list ahead of time so we could just run around the store with that price gun.)

But despite the aisles and aisles of pink and blue fluffy baby "must-haves" screaming "BUY ME!" you won't find anything you actually need for your new baby in a big box store. I'm not having a baby shower, but if I were, here's my top five list of what I would register for if only I could:

1. A freezer's worth of Trader Joe's everything. Barring TJ's, delicious meals prepared by loving friends and family, especially beyond the first two weeks post-birth. I can only handle frozen burritos and pizza so many times before I might start crying. Oh, wait - I'm already crying. Hormones!

image via

2. A maid. Okay, maybe not a live-in - but maybe two or three appointments during the first two months to do things like scrub the floors, sanitize the bathrooms, and anything else I'm not going to have time to get to. Which is everything.

3. A playdate for my older child that doesn't involve me. Come to my house and spend an hour tearing apart our playroom with my daughter and your child(ren) while I feed the baby and take a nap or a shower. Alternately, hold my screaming newborn for an hour while I get a chance to play with my toddler so she remembers who I am.

4. Gift certificates and subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu Plus, audible.com, iTunes, amazon.com, and anything else I can use on my iWhatever to stay informed, educated, and entertained during marathon nursing sessions. My brain is going to turn into mush anyway, but I might as well go down fighting.

5. A wet nurse. Or 6-pack abs. Surprise me.

I miss my waist. // circle skirt love

I'm back, and I should totally be updating you about our trip and my reunion. But, instead, I'm obsessing over 1950s skirts with tiny waists - because, well, mine is currently missing.

Back when I got dressed up every morning (and going all the way back to high school and college), I used to wear a lot of skirt-plus-boot combos, especially vintage A-line or full wool plaid skirts in the fall, or printed cotton ones with flats in the spring. I've been living in jeans (and, in the winter, wrap sweaters) since Lorelei was born, but I'm determined to get back to my old stylish ways this fall even though I'll have a messy little newborn to cramp my style. My goal: a once-a-week "what I wore" post (either here or on instagram) featuring clothes other than yoga pants.

If you follow me on Etsy, you know I've been favoriting vintage skirts like crazy - and I compiled my favorites onto a Pinterest board for your online window shopping pleasure. Here, a few of my top picks (click on the images to go directly to the Etsy listings to purchase!):

Greedy Seagull, $48 

Female Hysteria, $52

Crush Vintage, $54

...and some cold-weather options:

Vint Condition Style, $28

Sticky Lipgloss Vintage, $36

Fringe Betty, $28

And a "just dreaming" find, unless I win the lottery:

Zest Vintage, $128

mom uniform: the wrap sweater

With all of this gray, cold, snowy weather we've been having, I've been living in a variation of the same outfit pretty much every day: skinny jeans, knee-high boots, and a wrap sweater, always clutching a giant mug of tea (I've been using one from John Derian's Target collection, pictured at the bottom of this article). I have a feeling a bunch of you are doing the same thing, so I trolled Etsy and came up with some awesome vintage finds, all for under $50 each. Click on the images to visit the listings directly - and happy shopping!

The Greedy Seagull, $48 

Carrington Vintage, $48 

 The Vintage Mistress, $34

And I found three gorgeous sweaters from the same Etsy shop; I think the blue eyelet is my favorite!

1919 Vintage, $42 

1919 Vintage, $49 

1919 Vintage, $42

what's your morning routine?

I had a dream last night that I went to the grocery store and realized at the checkout that I still had a towel on my head because I hadn't had the time to take it off yet.

 (click image for source)

My mornings have been topsy-turvy these past few weeks as Lorelei transitions over to just one (afternoon) nap a day -- I don't yet have a system down for how to deal with not having my expected hour to myself anymore.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning -- whether you're leaving the house at 6am or trying to get kids fed and prepped for preschool or just getting everything set before you head into the home office for a day of work? I'd love to hear about your time-saving tips and tricks, if you've got any!

more milk, naturally: healthy mamas, happy babies {giveaway}

As you know, I'm a big fan of Megan from The Boho Mama, and I was delighted when she sent me a pre-release copy of her new e-book, More Milk, Naturally to review!

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Megan's 37-page booklet is a from-one-mom-to-another guide to boosting your milk supply and getting yourself started on the path towards eating healthy, nutritious foods that will sustain both you and your baby through your breastfeeding relationship. Even though I'm wrapping up my own journey as a nursing mama, I found the book to be really helpful and informative. When it comes to mothering resources, I always look for guides that are heavy on the scientific footnotes and provide a lot of straight-from-the-trenches ideas, and Megan's e-book provides both. Almost 10% of the book is spent on providing you with at-your-fingertips links and references to find out more about everything from breastfeeding twins to dehydrating your own nuts and seeds. And there are ten pages of easy-to-follow recipe ideas to get you started!

I'm excited that Megan has agreed to offer one copy of her More Milk, Naturally e-book to one lucky (she always loved) larking reader! Wouldn't this be a great gift for a new mom? (If you're like me, you know about a bazillion people having a baby in the next few months!) To enter Megan's giveaway, all you have to do is leave a comment below answering one of the following questions: what's your favorite "mother food" or what's your go-to milk-making recipe?  For bonus entries, share this giveaway on FB or Twitter (and please leave a comment to say you did so!).

This giveaway ends next Monday night (7/9) at 10pm CDT. The winner will be announced the following morning right here on the blog. But if you can't wait that long to find out if you've won, Megan is generously offering 20% off the price of her e-book for any (she always loved) larking readers! Use discount code LARKING when you place your order.

clowning around.

I tried to come up with a title for this post that was alliterative and clever involving Friday, fun, and flour, and it just wasn't happening.

Here's how Lorelei and I spent a recent morning when there wasn't much else to do:

If you're interested, Lorelei's outfit was a custom order from Handmade by Jenn (thanks, Mom!). And yes, we used whole wheat flour for our sensory playtime because that's how we roll around here.

Happy weekend!

adventures in motherhood: why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Though this weekly post series is ostensibly about my life as a mom, I could very easily be writing this one just from my perspective as someone past the college years. Why doesn't anyone ever tell you how hard it will be to make friends once you're not in school anymore?

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Jason and I were reflecting -- enviously -- on my brother's social life the other day. Granted, he has no children, but he's only 2 years younger than we are and he seems to be "out with friends" any time we try to get ahold of him. "How does he know that many people, let alone know them well enough to call them friends?" my husband was saying grumpily. And then it hit us: my brother lives and works in the city where he graduated from college -- so most of his friends are his old college buddies! (No fair.)

When I taught in Colorado for five years, I was lucky enough to work at a school full of kindred spirits, so I made strong connections with my coworkers. Most of us were in similar "life situations" (late 20s or early 30s, transplanted from all sorts of places across the country, married or in long-term relationships, pursuing a career in education out of passion for it rather than necessity, invested in working for progressive social change), so it was easy to bond over our commonalities.

(some of my favorite people from Colorado)

And then I moved to Illinois and started working at a very traditional public school where the teachers all grew up around here, went to two or three schools within easy driving distance of here, married someone from here... it's not that they weren't friendly, but the message was fairly clear from most of them: "I already have an established life and circle of friends, and I don't really have room for someone new who doesn't fit the mold." And the few people I did connect with? Well, it's not easy to stay in touch now that I'm at home during the hours we used to spend together.

There are three main moms groups in town, and one of them isn't  accepting new members. I have tried to go to events hosted by one of the groups, but I always end up feeling out of my element. And the final group -- where there are definitely kindred spirits, which is so, so lovely -- tends to be moms of older toddlers, so they often meet at times when I have to be home with a sleeping baby. I enjoy my time with them when I get to see them, but I don't feel like I've made any super close friendships (yet). It'd be nice to be able to hang out with other moms and kiddos close in age to Lorelei during the daytime rather than having to sacrifice my few sacred hours of time to myself at night, too...

I think that's part of the reason blogging has become such a big part of my life. When I check in on blogs from people like Emily, Margaux, Jennifer, Amber, Nicolle, Manda, D., Leah, and Megan, it feels like a virtual playdate: they all have babies who are a very similar age to mine so we can commiserate, swap tips, lend a sympathetic ear, and feel in general like we're not alone in these parenting struggles. Wish we could do it in real life, too! I'm so jealous of Libby and her group of friends who are all soon-to-be mamas -- how wonderful would it be to go through something like that together?

(some of my girlfriends from back home in MN at my baby shower -- wish we lived closer!)

Do you have any tips for finding adult friends, especially if you live far away from where you grew up or went to school? Have you tried using cards like the ones PJ is offering up in her giveaway?  I'd love to hear your insights!

round 'em up, cowboy.

Some links to love for your Friday:

Hot off the presses -- Brent's intimate look at being a stay-at-home-dad. So nice to get the perspective of Melissa's other half! (Also, I loved this post of hers recently, since it relates so much to what I've been thinking about.)

Oh, fashion bloggers -- this guy has you pegged.

A feminist takes on the brigade of Disney princesses.

A post on Postpartum Progress has The Feminist Breeder in a tizzy -- what do you think?

Two great giveaways: one for baby and one for you!

A humorous look at how hard it is to be a parent -- even for a few hours.

Until next week...

(Chrissy Deming Photography)

adventures in motherhood: pushing + letting go.

Do you actively push your child towards the next developmental leap, or do you tend to sit back and enjoy the ride?

Lorelei's favorite activity recently: looking longingly at the big world outside her door 
(p.s. don't you love that baby mullet? It kills me.)

I've had this on the brain lately because Lorelei isn't walking yet. I'm not concerned -- she's barely over a year and is a fantastic crawler who doesn't seem to need another method of locomotion -- but it's a milestone that everyone asks about once they find out how old she is. I didn't walk until I was over 15 months old and clearly turned out just fine, but there's a little bit of pressure for Lorelei to get her feet moving in time to be the flower girl for my brother's wedding next month. So I sometimes, just a little bit, try to encourage her to take some steps by herself. And she promptly sits her butt right down onto the carpet and goes back to poking her baby doll's eyes with her fingers.

When I see other moms on the playground, I sense that a lot of them are eager to share what amazing new tricks their babies and toddlers are mastering, and I certainly love sharing Lorelei's exploits, too. But when and where do you draw the line between encouraging their development and dropping them into the deep end before they're ready? I'd like a toddler who can put on her own shoes, use the potty, and feed herself without making a mess as much as the next mom. But I'm trying really, really hard to enjoy our current stage instead of rushing into the next one.

I'm going to keep right on offering a hand when Lorelei wants to take a few steps, repeating simple words and phrases over and over when she points at her favorite objects or new ones that have just grabbed her attention, playing stimulating music and taking her on "educational" outings and planning playdates for her social development. But I'm also not going to worry that her playmates are doing things she isn't quite ready for -- the girl's gotta set her own pace, because (as my old principal used to say) this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Instead, here's a list of unique-to-her talents Lorelei has mastered at this point:

insisting on having the milk carton on the table in front of her at breakfast so she can "mooo" at the picture of the cow on it to her heart's content

shaking her money-maker with wild abandon if you utter the phrase "wiggle butt" in her general vicinity

waving furiously at anything she sees that she likes -- a squirrel outside, a picture of a baby in a book -- in a way that tugs at your heartstrings because it is so sweet ("Hello! I like you! I hope you might like me too!")

using her pretend bank as a cup and laughing hysterically when the "coins" fall out onto her face (or, better yet, into her mouth)

"reading" Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes  by pointing to all of the babies' fingers and toes and then pointing to her own...on pretty much every single page

What amazing and unique milestones is your little one working on right now?

first birthday week: Lorelei's birth story

(pictures throughout were taken by our doula, Kim Wheaton, unless otherwise noted)

As with most birth story posts, this is pretty long. The short version: after an unmedicated 18-hour labor with no complications, my beautiful baby was born! The end.

Here's the long version:

Monday, May 23rd
9am: my brother calls to ask if I'd had the baby yet, just like he did every morning during May. "Nope, no baby," I tell him.

Noon: Go to Target and inexplicably buy half-and-half for my mom, even though I know she won't come until after the baby [due June 2nd] is born (I dig around to find one with the latest expiration date possible) and a large package of Kotex, since I heard I would need them after giving birth and figure I might as well take advantage of the sale price. The cashier asks me when I am due. "Less than two weeks," I answer.

8pm: I get a sudden urge to start the journal I plan to write to our daughter in once she is born, but I decide I have plenty of time left to write her first letter in the next week and a half. Jason announces that he finished the paper he's been working on (finally!), so we celebrate with some  popcorn and settle in to watch an episode of Psych.

10pm: Laughing at some ridiculous line uttered by the ever-corny Shawn Spencer, I feel a funny gush. Oh. Crap. Run to the bathroom, hoping desperately that I peed my pants. It doesn't seem like the way our nurse had described water breaking at our birth class...but when I feel the same gushy sensation a few minutes later, I decide I have to face the music. I head back out to the living room. "Okay," I said. "Don't freak out, but I think my water just broke." Freaking out commences.

11pm: Quandary: our doctor said to go in right away if my water broke, but I know that would put me "on the clock" and I really didn't want to go down that road quite yet. I'm not having any contractions yet, so we finish Psych, call our doula, and then I climb into bed to try to get some sleep before all of the hard work starts.

Tuesday, May 24th
12:10am: Jason calls the doctor. Guess who wants us to come in right away? I convince Jason that we can stay home a little longer to install the car seat (oops), take a shower, eat, and relax a little bit. My contractions are extremely weak and far apart.

4am: Arrive at the hospital. "We've been expecting you -- a while ago, actually," the nurse says. Blood draw, heartbeat monitoring, check my progress (1cm -- not far at all), hook me up to a saline drip (despite my protestations to avoid one), and then we are left to try to sleep a little bit more. Right.

7am: Doctor arrives. I'm 3cm, 80% effaced, and the baby's head is at zero station. She is not happy with me that I stayed home and gives me a lecture about how the baby "doesn't look so hot" and really needed fluid. My contractions are still very weak, and she warns that if they don't start improving soon, I might have to use pitocin. NOT HAPPENING. Jason calls our doula, she gives us some suggestions (nipple stimulation being the main one -- works like a charm), and I start pacing the halls, trying to get things moving.

8am: Doula comes. Hooray! Contractions are moving right along now, but I'm totally on top of them. Feel like I can do this.

11am: Getting exhausted. Contractions way more intense, and I keep feeling like I have to push. I get scared when I have to go to the bathroom, because moving seems to cause contractions and I have at least two standing in front of the sink trying to wash my hands. I'm pretty sure that things are progressing rapidly, because it's taking all of my energy to get through each one.  Jason and Kim are at my beck and call, even though saying much of anything is becoming increasingly difficult so I'm not too demanding.

Noon: They check my progress. 5cm, 90% effaced. My doctor says, "Now the easy part is over." Want. To. Kill. Her. Decide I can't do this.

1pm: Out of my mind. The urge to push is increasing. The contractions are even more excruciating. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm freezing cold. I'm burning up. I grip the bedrails for dear life. I can't speak. I keep trying to repeat my birth mantras to myself but mostly just think "I can't do this. I can't do this."

2pm: "I can't do this. I can't do this." That's in my head -- I can't actually get real words out most of the time. The contractions seem to be never-ending. The nurse tells me to stop pushing, but I can't make my body stop doing it. Hands are aching from holding on so tight. I am a Bradley Method failure.

3pm: The nurse says she has to check my progress. I can barely handle it because the contractions are coming so fast and I am so scared that she's going to have bad news again. But instead she tells me I'm ready to start pushing -- hallelujah, because I've been feeling pushy for hours now. My doula tries to get me to drink a little water, but I can barely handle more than a sip.

3:15pm: Isn't pushing supposed to be a "relief"? That's what my birth books said! This is even worse than the contractions part. I hate this. How about if we have a quick c-section instead? I am never giving birth again.

3:30pm: Want to kill my doctor. If she tells me one more time that I'm not working hard enough...

4pm: This baby is never coming out.

4:21pm: Oh. My. God. I just had a baby! She is so small! She is so pale! She is making funny little grunting sounds! She is so slippery and soft! Hello, Lorelei -- welcome to the world!

4:25pm: The nurses are fussing over Lorelei. They are worried that she is still so pale and grunting rather than crying. They reassure me that it will be fine but they need to take her to the nursery and might have to give her oxygen, which means she may not be back for a few hours. Jason goes with them. I stay in bed and keep asking anyone within earshot, "Is she okay? Is she going to be okay?"

4:30pm: I am momentarily distracted from worrying about Lorelei when the doctor starts massaging my abdomen to get the placenta out. GET AWAY FROM ME! I didn't know this part was going to be so painful! She checks me over, and I have a tiny first-degree tear that doesn't even need stitching. Whew!

4:35pm: Lorelei is back! The pediatrician on call said she should improve after getting some colostrum, so the nurses help me get set up for breastfeeding. My brother, who has been waiting at a local coffeeshop ever since his daily call this morning, comes to see his brand new niece. She is so squishy and warm and tiny!

(own photo)

5:30pm: Lorelei is finally done with her first meal. Cradling her tiny body for an hour and looking into her face is like heaven -- I must be on the biggest oxytocin + adrenalin rush ever. I don't care what people say about hospital food -- this veggie burger and vanilla malt are the best I've ever had in my whole life. My cell phone is ringing off the hook, I can't stop smiling, I can't stop looking at my new baby, I am so tired and sore, I can't believe I just did this, I will never have another baby because that was unbelievably awful, I am so happy so happy so happy.

(photo by Bella Baby)

first birthday week: best books for new moms

To continue this week-long celebration of Lorelei's first birthday, I thought I'd share my list of must-have books for new moms:

The Nursing Mother's Companion by Kathleen Huggins: a no-nonsense guide to all of the nitty-gritty about breastfeeding. This book has been my constant companion for the past twelve months -- it's the best resource I came across for everything from initial latch-on to starting solids to lancing a plugged milk duct (yikes!).

Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott: I could have written this, if I could write like Anne Lamott. Captures the emotions of the first year of motherhood perfectly. Read my full review here.

The Shelter of Each Other by Mary Pipher, MD: a book all about creating a solid, loving family environment in a world where feuding families are cheap and easy fodder for primetime TV. Read my full review here.

Your Baby's First Year: AAP-approved advice, milestone charts, lots of good parenting basics. Nothing too new or fancy, but a good solid resource to have around.

Great With Child by Beth Ann Fennelly: warm, inspirational, honest account of motherhood. Read my full review here.

I Love You, Mouse by John Graham: out of print, but a wonderful bedtime story that surpasses Goodnight Moon and Guess How Much I Love You, in my opinion. The Tomie dePaola drawings are darling.

You might have noticed I'm not recommending any sleep books. I've read at least a dozen (not hyperbole), and none of them are a perfect fit for my baby. There are many parents who will tell you "This book will get your baby sleeping through the night in two days!" and I'm sure that is true for their baby, but not necessarily for yours. I'd advise borrowing sleep books from friends and/or the library until you hit on one that works for you -- and then buy it once you've decided it's worth its weight in gold!

I'd also suggest investing in an e-reader and a subscription to audible.com for those long hours of nursing, or rocking, or pacing the floor with your newborn in arms.