bucket list

Kid at the playground today: Are you a photographer or something?
Me, while snapping my 67th photo: I'm trying to learn how to be one.
Kid: Oh. Well, I know all about how to take pictures. I'm in third grade.

Sometimes 36 feels very ancient, you guys.

The first official day of summer vacation was...good? I've been looking forward to it for so long that it was inevitably a letdown, but also practically perfect in every way, as Mary Poppins might say. We finalized our summer bucket list last weekend and today decided to go for "try a park you've never been to." We almost never visit the playgrounds attached to schools in town, but we spent a happy hour pretty much all by ourselves today enjoying the perfect combination of shady and sunny, plus new to us while still old school (but not overly rundown). Monkey bars are a current fave, and this place has every combination of climbing jungle gym challenges you can dream up.

Fall was my favorite season for years, but I'm breaking up with it for the sheer romance of long, lazy summer days. Winter in our town can be such a desolate time. We chose to live here - another post on that topic has been brewing for a while - so I hate to complain, but there's so little to do. It's hard to not overdo it once summer rolls around. Some of our bucket list will mean buying tickets or paying admission fees or even a hotel stay here and there, but mostly we're sticking to the joys of cheap and free where we can get it, and if this afternoon is any indication, it doesn't take much to make for a summer filled with amazing memories. We're trying to pace ourselves here at the start of the race, but can you blame us for sprinting out of sheer exhiliration?

I'm (over)sharing our adventures on Instagram under the hashtag #HannaMcSummer - and I'm sure there will be plenty more posts here, too. Thanks for tagging along.

adventures in motherhood: imperfect, lucky.

This is my typical day.

It's not totally in focus, it's not carefully framed or edited in any way. There is clutter along the edges and details I wish you couldn't see. It's also a snatched moment of joy and love, and I feel lucky to be able to say it's my life.

A dear friend of mine has been struggling lately with adjusting to life at home with her sweet little baby. I remember her telling me, when I was pregnant with Phoebe, that she dreamed of quitting her job and staying home with a baby of her own, making art in her studio all day while her darling daughter played happily beside her. I loved her hopefulness and her vision and I didn't want to tell her that it wouldn't ever be that way - because if there's one thing I have learned about motherhood, it's that everyone does it differently and there's no way to predict what it will look like for anyone - but I knew that, for me at least, that sweet dream was never going to be reality.

Being a mother to a preschooler and a toddler isn't everything I ever dreamed of, but that's in part because I never really knew what to dream it would be like. Every day I write my job description anew. And thinking of this as my full-time job - okay, one I don't get paid for, but my job nonetheless - makes it feel different, somehow. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom. I quit my day job to make this my day job. I "do what I love" - or at least I spend my day with what I love most in the world - and how many people get to say that?

I'm not the mom I pictured I might be. I don't have an immaculate house even though I thought I'd have one simply by being home all day (wouldn't that be nice - cleaning that is accomplished by being present near cleaning supplies? Sign me up for that direct-sales home party guest list!). I haven't started the graduate school courses I figured I'd be done with ages ago. I don't play violin and piano with an adoring audience sitting and listening to my practice sessions. My almost four-year-old can't write her letters yet and doesn't know how to bake a cake by herself, despite what all those little kids in France are supposedly able to do by now. No one is putting me on any magazine cover or interviewing me on any talk show or even featuring me in a blog or IG post. I'm not amazing at this in the way I pictured or hoped or dreamed I might be, back when I didn't really know what motherhood meant.

But I'm raising these two girls, and they love each other. Real love - best friend love, that is such a privilege to watch blossom and grow. We play pretend all day long. We read stories and go on hikes and make messes that we sometimes clean up. I have time to myself sometimes, now that I'm out of the infancy trenches, to make gifts for friends and go to book club meetings and sing in a choir and play board games with my husband late at night over big bowls of popcorn. It's really hard when I have days where I don't live up to my own expectations and I'm not the mom I want to be, and I admit to feeling pangs of jealousy when I see the amazing things my former colleagues accomplish. But this is what I'm able to accomplish right now. Actually, take away that "but." This is what I'm able to accomplish now. It's a quiet, cluttered, imperfect life, and I'm lucky that it's mine.

"so, what do you do all day?" / a day in my life

My friend Ann has (had? Not sure if it's still ongoing) a series on her blog that featured various artists at work in their studios for a full day, which I think is brilliant and inspiring. I don't ever get to spend a whole day in my "studio," but I decided I wanted to document a day in my life at home with the girls in case anyone is actually interested in what we do all day since, apparently, asking stay-at-home moms that question is pretty common.

I've been stuck at home for a week due to the extreme cold weather, but to be totally honest, I basically only leave the house at night after the girls are in bed. Phoebe is on such a bizarre, difficult napping schedule, germs are everywhere, and bundling them up and getting them into the car takes an eternity, so it's just easier to stay here. I try to keep Lorelei's life as full and varied as I can: I schedule a playdate about once a week or so; she takes a gymnastics class on Monday afternoons and a music class on Saturday mornings that she attends with one of her parents (we rotate); and at least one other time per week either I or her dad take her out to do something (grocery shopping, coffee/hot chocolate date, etc.). It's a lot less than we used to do when it was just me + her all day, but it's the best I can do right now.

As a result, I work very, very hard to make our days together enriching. I let her pick activities, but I also suggest certain ones or sometimes decide what we're doing to make sure we incorporate fine and gross motor skill work, letter/number learning, imaginative play, music, reading, etc. I know that there are plenty of parents who think I'm stupid, or crazy, to be such a homebody and to let a second baby dictate life for the older child, but this is what works for us at the moment, and my background as a teacher helps me to "lesson plan" the day most days so it's structured and meaningful for my inquisitive two-year-old.

So here's our Friday, moment-by-moment...

what's your morning routine?

I had a dream last night that I went to the grocery store and realized at the checkout that I still had a towel on my head because I hadn't had the time to take it off yet.

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My mornings have been topsy-turvy these past few weeks as Lorelei transitions over to just one (afternoon) nap a day -- I don't yet have a system down for how to deal with not having my expected hour to myself anymore.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning -- whether you're leaving the house at 6am or trying to get kids fed and prepped for preschool or just getting everything set before you head into the home office for a day of work? I'd love to hear about your time-saving tips and tricks, if you've got any!

this week's adventures in motherhood: the poetry of staying home.

If I had decided to go back to work this year, yesterday would have been my first day with students. I'm feeling surprisingly blank about the whole thing: not good, not bad, not happy, not sad. I guess that's a sign that, in some ways, either decision would have been the right one. I could have spent the day handing out a crisp, freshly printed syllabus to each tentative new face that greeted me at my classroom door, every one dressed up in their "I want to look good but not like I'm trying too hard" finery. Instead, I spent the day with this face: sometimes looking confused when I tried to get her to pick out the cardinal from a big picture of birds, sometimes pinching her eyes shut because squinting is her newest trick, sometimes wide-mouthed with tears because she couldn't get a zipper to work or the snack wasn't coming fast enough. But mostly smiling.

I do miss my poems of the day, as always. This poem has been rattling around in my brain lately; I found it when looking for a suitable piece to bring to that blessingway I attended a while back. The second-to-last line reminds me of the second-to-last line in "J. Alfred Prufrock," but much less melancholy.

Oh, to be a poet! I guess I'll settle for the (much) lesser art of blogging.



After Making Love We Hear Voices - Galway Kinnell

For I can snore like a bullhorn
or play loud music
or sit up talking with any reasonably sober Irishman
and Fergus will only sink deeper
into his dreamless sleep, which goes by all in one flash,
but let there be that heavy breathing
or a stifled come-cry anywhere in the house
and he will wrench himself awake
and make for it on the run--as now, we lie together,
after making love, quiet, touching along the length of our bodies,
familiar touch of the long-married,
and he appears--in his baseball pajamas, it happens,
the neck opening so small he has to screw them on--
and flops down between us and hugs us and snuggles himself to sleep,
his face  gleaming with satisfaction at being this very child.

In the half darkness we look at each other
and smile
and touch arms across this little, startlingly muscled body--
this one whom habit of memory propels to the ground of his making,
sleeper only the mortal sounds can sing awake,
this blessing love gives again into our arms.

wordy Wednesday: wedding wisdom from Shakespeare

At my brother's wedding on Saturday, the bride and groom had several friends and family members do readings, which is pretty typical ceremony practice. But they also asked four of us (me, my husband, and two close high-school buddies of my brother's) to do something unusual: speak for about two minutes each about what marriage and commitment means from the perspective of our different disciplines (English and literature + philosophy for the two of us, science/medicine and business for his buddies). We didn't get any other direction than that -- oh, except my brother saying "Don't tell me what you're going to say, because I want to be surprised."

No pressure, right? It was a really tough assignment! But we managed to pull together something we were all pretty proud of -- and we were all feeling good about it at the rehearsal the night before. That is, until I found out that my little flower girl was terrified of the wedding venue!

It wasn't her fault, really. We were in an old converted factory with high ceilings and giant windows so it was really bright and really loud -- not to mention filled with people she didn't know who all wanted to touch her and get right in her face. She cried through most of the rehearsal and was very agitated and whiny during the first part of the service on Saturday afternoon. So when I got up to make my little speech all about what Shakespeare has to say about marriage, standing a mere three feet away from her, it was too much for her to handle, and the waterworks started.

Typical: stay-at-home mom who craves intellectual challenges finally gets the chance to do something that satisfies her old self but is thwarted by her clingy little baby. ;) Lorelei ended up on my hip, Jason held the microphone for me, and my speech turned into quite the family affair -- much to my chagrin, and the delight of most of the wedding guests.

a stolen-from-Facebook pic of our little comedy act

Considering the "take-away" message of my speech, it ended up being rather appropriate in the end after all. Interested in reading it? Click here.

clowning around.

I tried to come up with a title for this post that was alliterative and clever involving Friday, fun, and flour, and it just wasn't happening.

Here's how Lorelei and I spent a recent morning when there wasn't much else to do:

If you're interested, Lorelei's outfit was a custom order from Handmade by Jenn (thanks, Mom!). And yes, we used whole wheat flour for our sensory playtime because that's how we roll around here.

Happy weekend!

this week's adventures in motherhood: first mother's day

I know everyone else is done posting about their Mother's Day extravaganzas and escapades, but since I reserve Thursdays for my weekly motherhood posts I'll just have to be the caboose to the mom train this week, I guess.

I was surprised by how emotional I felt for my first Mother's Day, actually. I had never felt that way on the other end of things -- sure, I appreciate my mom like crazy and always tried to make her a card or buy a little something sweet for her -- but now, suddenly, it seemed like a much more important holiday than I had ever realized.

afternoon outing to the park on Mother's Day -- so happy we had beautiful weather!

I think part of it is the anticipation of L's birthday next week and thinking back to where I was a year ago, so eager and excited and nervous and clueless about impending motherhood. I went on maternity leave on May 6th, 2011 and spend the last weeks of my pregnancy cleaning and organizing the house (wish I had done more!), cooking and freezing dinners for those first crazy few weeks, reading, logging hours on the elliptical at the gym, and trying to enjoy a "summer vacation" one last time. Thinking back about all of that makes me feel sad and happy all at once -- like I wish I could go back there and hug that old version of myself really, really tight.

Mother's Day weekend 2011 -- photo by my good friend Beth

My husband went all out this year on our daughter's behalf: french toast for breakfast, flowers, a lovely set of soap and bubble bath (which I'll actually be able to use in our brand new bathtub very soon -- more on that later!), and a framed set of L's handprints which were the result of many hours of failed attempts to cast them in clay and then scrubbing up the disaster left behind (luckily, I was out of the house at rehearsals so much last week that he could do it in secret!). Plus, with my in-laws in town, we were able to go out: there's not much better than eating ice cream and holding hands on a warm spring evening to celebrate a year (almost) of parenthood.

And speaking of celebrating -- that's just what I'm going to be doing next week! In honor of my daughter's birthday, I'll be posting about her birth story, the most important things I've learned during this first year, and a few surprises too (including a big one on Monday: stay tuned!). Hope you'll be here to celebrate with us!

this week's adventures in motherhood: never enough time.

Most of the people who read this blog know me in real life. (Hi, Mom and Dad.) But for those who don't, I'll let you in on a little secret: I am reeeeeeeeeeeally bad at saying no when people ask me to do things. Part of this stems from an unfortunate character flaw I have wherein I think that, since I know the best way to do everything, I am therefore the best person to ask to complete any task you might have at hand. (I'm working on it, I promise.)

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But I also love to be busy. Choosing to be a stay-at-home mom was not a choice to have a freer schedule in any way. In fact, sometimes I think that if I were still at work, I'd be able to get a little more done during the day because I could use my lunch hour to run errands and not have to spend half of the time wrangling a baby into and out of a car seat.

Case in point: at church on Sunday, I was chatting with our organist after the service and asked him how things were going with the musical he's conducting over at our local high school, where he happens to be the choir director. Ten minutes later, I had agreed to play in the pit orchestra for a six-show run of West Side Story with two days of preparatory practice time (for those not in the know, it's just about the most demanding musical score ever written).

A few weekends ago on the anniversary of Charlotte Bronte's* birthday, Penguin Books Australia tweeted about a Jane Eyre bracelet I was selling in my shop. Since then, I've somehow agreed to a dozen custom orders for similar bracelets, most of which are being sent to some lovely ladies in the land down under -- and did I mention that each bracelet takes me about 10 hours to complete?

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In addition to trying to get our house ready to have two bathrooms remodeled and a dishwasher installed, prepping before company comes for 5 days during which time I have to attend two parties and serve as the liturgist at church, planning a wedding shower for my soon-to-be sister-in-law, trying to decide if we're putting our house on the market, and writing a guest post for a blog I love (Megan, I swear I loved doing this one -- totally not complaining!), I've been schlepping a squirmy baby with me to try to get some other tasks done: renting a storage unit, having my dress altered for the wedding in July ("No, don't touch those pins!"), and the usual trip to three grocery stores since none of them sell all of the things we actually want. We've actually managed to squeeze in playdates, swimming lessons, and our weekly library trip somehow, too.

Oh, and in case I didn't tell you (ha ha -- it's been my major conversation topic lately!), baby girl has been waking up 5-6 times a night so I've been averaging 3 or 4 hours of sleep in between the crying jags.

This sounds like a very long complaint about my life, which it isn't. I started this by saying "I love to be busy," right? And I do. But my "busy as a bee" stamina seems to be a little less than it used to be pre-baby...so I compensate by skipping things like actually doing my hair, eating a lot more sugar than I should to keep my energy levels up, and letting some stuff go that I probably shouldn't. (Hello, giant pile of dirty laundry. Greetings, takeout from Noodles and Panera instead of healthy, home-cooked meals.)

So how do the rest of you do it? I know I'm not the only busy mom out there -- I would love to hear your tips on keeping yourself sane while managing to get it all done, or your ideas for learning how to say no!

*I know I'm missing the umlaut, but blogger refuses to cooperate!

adventures in motherhood: working girl.

Whether or not you get a paycheck for what you do, I think we can agree that we are all working moms in some form or other, because raising children is serious work. Even most traditional "stay at home moms" seem to have something going on the side in addition -- grad school classes at night, an Etsy shop, looking after someone else's little one, or putting something out there in the blog world. We're all busy, we're all tired, we're all in need of a little "me time" and some appreciation for what we do 'round here.

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From all sides of a multifaceted "debate" (we're all in this together, though, right?), here are a few mom perspectives to check out:

Amber's guilty conscience about her working life and setting priorities
Michelle's thoughts on the isolation of being a SAHM
PJ's big decision on reducing her hours at work
D's reasons for quitting her job
A multi-part series on juggling work and motherhood featuring some bloggers you probably know and love
An Offbeat Mama post that really struck a chord with me
Liz Gumbinner on the myth of the rich, selfish working mom