bucket list

Kid at the playground today: Are you a photographer or something?
Me, while snapping my 67th photo: I'm trying to learn how to be one.
Kid: Oh. Well, I know all about how to take pictures. I'm in third grade.

Sometimes 36 feels very ancient, you guys.

The first official day of summer vacation was...good? I've been looking forward to it for so long that it was inevitably a letdown, but also practically perfect in every way, as Mary Poppins might say. We finalized our summer bucket list last weekend and today decided to go for "try a park you've never been to." We almost never visit the playgrounds attached to schools in town, but we spent a happy hour pretty much all by ourselves today enjoying the perfect combination of shady and sunny, plus new to us while still old school (but not overly rundown). Monkey bars are a current fave, and this place has every combination of climbing jungle gym challenges you can dream up.

Fall was my favorite season for years, but I'm breaking up with it for the sheer romance of long, lazy summer days. Winter in our town can be such a desolate time. We chose to live here - another post on that topic has been brewing for a while - so I hate to complain, but there's so little to do. It's hard to not overdo it once summer rolls around. Some of our bucket list will mean buying tickets or paying admission fees or even a hotel stay here and there, but mostly we're sticking to the joys of cheap and free where we can get it, and if this afternoon is any indication, it doesn't take much to make for a summer filled with amazing memories. We're trying to pace ourselves here at the start of the race, but can you blame us for sprinting out of sheer exhiliration?

I'm (over)sharing our adventures on Instagram under the hashtag #HannaMcSummer - and I'm sure there will be plenty more posts here, too. Thanks for tagging along.

sharing the spotlight (mamalode)

I'm so thrilled to share with you that an essay of mine is featured over on Mamalode today! It's appropriate timing, too: this week, Phoebe is exactly the age Lorelei was when she became a big sister, and my essay is all about becoming a family of four and worrying about raising two girls. Hope you'll click over and give it a read!

adventures in motherhood: imperfect, lucky.

This is my typical day.

It's not totally in focus, it's not carefully framed or edited in any way. There is clutter along the edges and details I wish you couldn't see. It's also a snatched moment of joy and love, and I feel lucky to be able to say it's my life.

A dear friend of mine has been struggling lately with adjusting to life at home with her sweet little baby. I remember her telling me, when I was pregnant with Phoebe, that she dreamed of quitting her job and staying home with a baby of her own, making art in her studio all day while her darling daughter played happily beside her. I loved her hopefulness and her vision and I didn't want to tell her that it wouldn't ever be that way - because if there's one thing I have learned about motherhood, it's that everyone does it differently and there's no way to predict what it will look like for anyone - but I knew that, for me at least, that sweet dream was never going to be reality.

Being a mother to a preschooler and a toddler isn't everything I ever dreamed of, but that's in part because I never really knew what to dream it would be like. Every day I write my job description anew. And thinking of this as my full-time job - okay, one I don't get paid for, but my job nonetheless - makes it feel different, somehow. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom. I quit my day job to make this my day job. I "do what I love" - or at least I spend my day with what I love most in the world - and how many people get to say that?

I'm not the mom I pictured I might be. I don't have an immaculate house even though I thought I'd have one simply by being home all day (wouldn't that be nice - cleaning that is accomplished by being present near cleaning supplies? Sign me up for that direct-sales home party guest list!). I haven't started the graduate school courses I figured I'd be done with ages ago. I don't play violin and piano with an adoring audience sitting and listening to my practice sessions. My almost four-year-old can't write her letters yet and doesn't know how to bake a cake by herself, despite what all those little kids in France are supposedly able to do by now. No one is putting me on any magazine cover or interviewing me on any talk show or even featuring me in a blog or IG post. I'm not amazing at this in the way I pictured or hoped or dreamed I might be, back when I didn't really know what motherhood meant.

But I'm raising these two girls, and they love each other. Real love - best friend love, that is such a privilege to watch blossom and grow. We play pretend all day long. We read stories and go on hikes and make messes that we sometimes clean up. I have time to myself sometimes, now that I'm out of the infancy trenches, to make gifts for friends and go to book club meetings and sing in a choir and play board games with my husband late at night over big bowls of popcorn. It's really hard when I have days where I don't live up to my own expectations and I'm not the mom I want to be, and I admit to feeling pangs of jealousy when I see the amazing things my former colleagues accomplish. But this is what I'm able to accomplish right now. Actually, take away that "but." This is what I'm able to accomplish now. It's a quiet, cluttered, imperfect life, and I'm lucky that it's mine.

a tale of two rooms: preview

A quick blog update: I'm still working on editing photos and doing a full write-up, but I wanted to share a quick preview of the nursery and "big girl" room I've been decorating all summer!

Taking photos has helped me remember the things I still need to do - and photograph - but I hope to share the full room details with you soon!

two sisters, one mother.

Friends, I have so many things I want to blog about and there's just no time in between nursing sessions and playdoh/block tower/My Little Pony sessions and the occasional nap and shower. But I can't help but share this picture with you:

all photos in this post: Bella Baby Photography

I spent nine months - and more, even before I was pregnant - worrying about how having a new baby would affect my relationship with Lorelei. Her infancy was fraught with challenge and difficulty, largely because being plunged into motherhood was something my psyche just wasn't ready for. Whether it was the sleeplessness, the hormones, the nursing difficulties, or just the dramatic change from full-time Me to full-time Mom, I struggled for months. And as a result, I think, my relationship with my amazing little girl is one of fierce loyalty, because what else could have kept me going through all of that? So even though I was excited to bring another little baby into our family, I felt desperately sad about how it would change the close bond between mother and daughter.

The first night after Phoebe was born, I was alone with her while Jason went out to dinner with Lorelei and the extended family we had in town to celebrate - and he ended up being gone for hours to help put our big girl to bed and gather a few things to bring back to the hospital. Stuck in bed, unable to put her down to use the bathroom or eat much dinner because she was so fussy and ravenous herself, I cried and cried, thinking about how much I wanted to be the one singing "our" lullaby and stroking her hair instead of being tethered to a baby who had no relationship with me yet and, but for one reason, probably wouldn't notice if I wasn't there anyway. It felt like The End of our happy little threesome.

But Lorelei has always had a funny little way of teaching me valuable lessons that I really need to learn. My fierce love for her is reflected now in her fierce love for her sister - the adoration she feels for "Baby Phoebe" is palpable (in fact, sometimes Phoebe would probably prefer not to have her sister be so touchy!). Constant kisses, running over to check on her, looks of concern when she fusses or cries ("Mommy, Phoebe needs some milk") - Phoebe is usually the first word out of her mouth when she gets up from her nap or gets home from playing at the park with Daddy. Lorelei couldn't care less about other people's babies, but her baby? She's the most important thing in her world right now.

And seeing that fierce sister love is helping my fears to subside and my own love for Phoebe to grow and grow. Those sad hours in the hospital are a distant memory and are being replaced by happy memories of cuddling with my squishy little newborn who grunts when she sleeps and always smells a little bit like spoiled milk and that hard-to-describe new baby scent that fades much too quickly. And my relationship with Lorelei? Just as close as ever, even through her growing pains as she adjusts to being one of two. I know there's a long road ahead and many bumps on it, but I know we'll all make it over them together.

And as I watch my two daughters begin to know each other, I'm reminded, often, of this beautiful quote I once read on another blog:

To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. - Clara Ortega

Here's to my girls growing ever young together.